Motherhood Survival Tips

I am compiling a list to surviving motherhood. If I miss anything...feel free to add to my comments. I am more than happy to try anything new : )

Disclaimer: I am not in any way shape or form promising anything. In fact if you happen to run across my blog prior to kids, run! Lol! *Joking* (sort of). Motherhood is sort of like finding yourself in a cage with hungry lions, except the lions they can talk and talk and talk.

So here it is:

1. You are not the boss anymore. I don't care if you are CEO of your own company or a peon at the bottom of the food chain. You are not, nor will you ever be the boss again. Sometimes your children may give you the delusion that you are the boss, but its kind of like when your boss tells you that they will check about giving you a raise. It ain't gonna happen.

2. If you happen to be lucky enough to be sane prior to pregnancy/parenthood you will no longer have that again. Especially if you stay at home. You will find yourself constantly talking to yourself (its the only person who will listen anyway). In fact its okay that you aren't sane because again, a white padded room with people who feed you drugs sounds like a vacation.

3. Sleep deprivation is now a permanent state of being, rather than the thing that happens when you go on a drinking binge. Yeah, yeah you think that it gets better when they get older. It doesn't. Just about the time that they are old enough to get up and feed themselves they join a sports team and you get to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to stand on a freezing field to cheer on your child who is only there for the treat ticket.

4. Dieting...well hope you like fish sticks and mac and cheese because you may be lucky enough to grab a quick bite of your child's meal while you are cleaning it off the wall they threw it at because they hate mac and cheese...duh!

5. Showers...well think back to the last time you saw a homeless guy on the street...yeah go back and offer him your shower...someone should get some use out of it. At least for a couple of years...I know you think that you will shower while your baby is sleeping, lol. You are way too tired for that!

6. Privacy....not gonna happen. Kids love to watch you all the time. They especially love hanging on your leg while you are in the kitchen trying to make the mac and cheese that they are going to throw on the wall in a minute. And privacy in the bathroom ain't gonna happen either. Kids are fascinated by peeing and pooping. Plus you have to take them everywhere...if you leave them alone for any amount of time you will be spending the rest of the day cleaning whatever they decided was a "good" idea.

7. Get used to embarrassment- Oh and public restrooms are especially fun! They love to scream whatever you are doing..."Ewww are you pooping? I SAID ARE YOU POOPING? IT STINKS, I AM GOING TO BE SICK!" or the best "WHY are you wearing a DIAPER?" "WHY do you have BLOOD on your DIAPER?" "WHY DO I NEED TO BE QUIET?" And they love to point out everyone's flaws. Yeah I know what you are thinking...your child is going to be well behaved and never do anything like that--remember that comment I made earlier about being delusional...well, good news! You are already insane.

8. Hearing...do you remember how as people get older their hearing gets worse? Well there is a reason for that. Its because they spent years as parents and then grandparents listening to their kids use their "inside voice." Want to know what that sounds like? Enter a empty space that echos and get several cd players and play different kinds of music at its loudest setting...that's right country for whinning and crying, rock for screaming and shouting, rap because its annyoing and add in some talk radio just because it never shuts up. That should give you a good clue on why people go deaf as they get older...its God's gift to them for years of suffering.

9. Culture- Well this is something that you get so much variety of. It starts with Baby Einstein and then moves on to Barney, then into things like Sponge Bob and all that good stuff. Think you aren't going to use the electronic babysitter? Well like I said you are delusional!

10. Throw all your parenting beliefs of how you think you are going to things out the window. Because I don't care how many parenting books you read the first time your baby gets a hold of the permanent maker and draws on your $350 couch (which is really expensive when you have kids!) with it you wont remember to breathe and stay calm and count to 10. Scratch that... you will count ten...ten ways to kill your child and hid the body. Or the first time that your child sneaks chocolate syrup and maple syrup to mix a potion on your stairs...yeah the calm they talk about in those parenting books it comes from medication...lots and lots of medication. (Remember the nice padded room with its wonderful drugs and nice people?)

11. Don't expect to have money again...probably not ever. It will take years...possibly centuries to recoup the cost of children. You think it ends when they get bigger, oh no it gets worse. Diapers and formula are nothing compared to sports and after-school activites! Its as bad as college! Don't forget they want you to help with that and their cell phone and their car. You might as well being burning money it would probably last longer than your paycheck will. On the bright side those activities wear them out and give you a whole extra 15 minutes of sleep, but don't get to excited you lose it plus some carting them back and forth to practice and then standing there watching their games.

12. From the time you choose to have your second child (also know as: you told your husband to do whatever he wanted as long as he didn't wake you) your house becomes a war zone. You might as well go to boot camp to prepare. Sure there are no guns, but that doesn't mean things aren't flying at your head! And while you are at boot camp take a hostage negotiating class, you'll need it. Personally I recommend getting your tubes tied after one child...I know you are thinking what! She has three kids! Well that's how I can give that recommendation.

13. Sex--You will curse it! Well maybe, especially when you child is running around screaming and you remember how he/she got there! Plus again for a while you are way too tired to give it up again anyway!

14. Okay listen this is the most important rule of all! I swear it! Enjoy every second of this because they will grow up one day and these stories will be something you laugh over at the dinner table. They really are the most crazy and wonderful thing that will happen to you and you don't even know it till you are hugging them goodbye for college--or kindergarten...


* Just to let you know just about 3/4 of what I mentioned has actually happened to me...in case you were wondering : ) *


OOPS I missed another one, thanks Heather!

15. Pregnancy brain last through out your pregnancy until you die. You will never again be able to recall things that you said early in the day or last week in fact you are lucky if you remember the last five minutes and its get worse with each child...what was I talking about?